On your own this Valentine's Day? Here are 20 reasons why...
Time Out Abu Dhabi staff
Are you still single on Valentine’s Day? What’s wrong with you? Here are 20 reasons you might still be on the shelf…
1 Because you’re desperate: From dressing like an overexcited Elton John to babbling desperately in conversation, the pitfalls of trying too hard with the opposite sex are as many as they are varied. If you can’t for the life of you work out why you always fail no matter what you do, then consider this fact: you just might be trying too hard.
2 Because you’re cheap: Are you the kind of person who winces when you sit down to dinner, partly because of the small fortune you’re about to splash out, but mainly because your wallet is nailed firmly shut? Then you’re going to have to be a bit more creative when wooing the ladies. Why not find a ladies nights where girls can drink for free. Your date can enjoy herself and you can stick to tap water. Well, you did want to save money.
3 Because you’re afraid of commitment: The world is full of people like you, who can’t commit to living in one country, let alone living with one person. One remedy is to find a new love online who lives far away, preferably more than 10 hours on a plane, as several thousand miles of ocean should prevent any feelings of claustrophobia.
4 Because you’re overweight: So the dreaded bulge has finally caught up with you. Join the club. Or, should we say, the gym. It’s a great place to meet people and shape up at the same time. Come next year, you’ll have more dates than you know what to do with.
5 Because you’re too shy: If you fall into this category, the chances are you’re reading this knowing full well you’re not going to do anything, no matter what we say. A cooking class? Too many people. Online? You’ve poked around but think it’s for losers. The fast fix is to grab a non-judgmental friend and do something that you’ve never done before.
6 Because you’re self-obsessed: If you are increasingly finding there’s only room for one in your life and that’s you, then maybe it’s time to remedy this no-good attitude. Nobody likes someone who talks about nothing but themselves.
7 Because you’re ugly: OK, so you lost the genetic lottery. Take cues from the legions of fellow uglies in the region who have made an art out of compensating for their physical shortcomings by creating a distracting armour of well-honed style. Begin by accessorising like crazy. Then, sharpen your wicked sense of humour.
8 Because you’re too pretty: So, you’ve been blessed with fab abs and your jawline is positively jaw-dropping. The only problem is that everyone thinks you’re way out of their league. Trust us, this is not why you’re single. If you nodded along to the first sentence, you might want to refer back to point number 6.
9 Because you work all hours: We’ve seen your type in the workplace. You have a sleeping bag under your desk just in case it’s going to be ‘a late one’; you keep a slice of Kendal mint cake in your jacket pocket to avoid going to lunch; and you have a flare-gun on standby just in case you get swept away in a paperwork avalanche.
10 Because you party too much: Your eyes are sparkling, the positive vibes are humming, and your wit is so sharp it could dice a tomato and call it a salsa – how could your potential soulmate fail to be blown away? Probably because, in actual fact, your eyes look like pink ping-pong balls set in lime jelly, your wit has gone wet and the only thing that’s humming is your breath.
11 Because you can’t get over your ex: Breaking up, as the Walker Brothers sang so sweetly, is a very hard thing to do. To help you get over your trauma, you need to rediscover yourself. Delete your ex’s number, email, in fact everything that reminds you of them. And move on.
12 Because you have no style: ‘In a lot of cases, these sort of people try to wear things that are way too out-there,’ says celebrity stylist Dalia Anderson. Anderson, who has dressed Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and Missy Elliott, among other A-listers, recommends replacing your tartan trousers with more conservative, stylish pieces culled from department stores and clean-cut fashion emporiums such as Gap, Banana Republic or Zara, ‘where you won’t go crazy and find things that are all over the place.’ According to Anderson, ladies should think sleek – a simple tee, a fitted blazer, well-tailored bootcut or straight-leg black pants. Apparently fellas should base their look on a prep school uniform: a crisp shirt, a paisley or textured tie in a subtle hue, a sweater vest and dark-rinse jeans.
13 Because you’re boring: Do you render friends insensible with lethargy every time you speak? Does your mother doze off when you’re on the phone? Does the cat leave the room when you enter? Then it’s time to inject some much needed vitality into your tedious existence. Learn the art of asking questions and let the new people that you meet talk about themselves. People love to do this and they will love you even more for letting them.
14 Because you’re obsessed with Facebook: There was a time when you actually spoke to people. To their faces. Yes, strange concept isn’t it? Now it’s just easier to leave messages on their Facebook wall or give them a virtual online cuddle. To socialise you don’t even need to leave your bedroom any more, and even when you do, you start conversations with, ‘Guess who I saw on Facebook today?’ Going cold turkey can be tough, so try to seek out Wi-Fi enabled cafés to get yourself out of the house whilst trying to control your addiction. Alternatively, just alienate yourself from everyone you know on the site by announcing your conversion to Scientology.
15 Because you have a kid: As far as you’re concerned, they’re a picture of innocence, a vision of cuteness and the only true beacon of light in your life. But to a potential partner, they might come across as the very epitome of chaos and darkness. So when it comes to spending time with that special someone, it might be a good idea to keep your children occupied.
16 Because you’re too nice: Aww, you’re a big cuddly puppy aren’t you? Yes you are. A big sweet puppy, who everybody likes but nobody wants. Find your inner anger. Nobody likes a pushover and nice people are often dull. Don’t lose your softer side just disguise it with some quick wit.
17 Because you’re so damn angry: We know that your parents didn’t understand you and work is awful. All of that is certainly annoying. But the way you’re getting bent out of shape about it is highly unattractive. Clearly you need an outlet for your rage – one that won’t bruise or push back. Join the ranks of your fellow steamed city folk and start an internet blog. Then, take a deep breath, and move on.
18 Because you’re shallow: You’re a vacuous philistine, an empty vessel. OK, we know you’re not really. You’re a witty, sparkling, walking repository of cultural knowledge, steeped in art and literature. If only you could just get round to expressing it properly.
19 Because your social circle is too small: You’ve made the move to a new country, you’ve acclimatised to the heat and located your favourite hangouts – but a year later you’re still knocking about with the workmate who showed you where the bathrooms were on your first day. You need to spread your wings. Accept offers to go out with new people and join some new clubs. You’ll have a date in no time.
20 Because you can’t dance: Remember the glances John Travolta got from his fellow cast members when he stepped onto the dancefloor in Saturday Night Fever? And how Patrick Swayze stole so many female hearts in the 80s snapping off moves in Dirty Dancing? In some cultures, a dance can make it rain and save lives – it’s powerful stuff and you need it in your wooing repertoire. Learn to dance and you’re route out of Single Street will be a whole lot quicker.